Thursday, January 7, 2010

a good day

being transparent has never been a strength of mine. oh, don't get me wrong ~ I do not have a poker face AT ALL. if something is bothering me, you'll know. you just may not know what it is. not really.

I've never made friends very easily. i wrote once about my social anxiety. i know that is a big part of it. but WHY i have the social anxiety is more the issue at hand. it's not one thing, and I'm not going to go into all of it here (not that I even could--I certainly don't have me figured out!) I just wanted to comment on the fact that many of the reasons I get anxious are completely unfounded thoughts that other people have things more 'together' than I do. that other moms, wives, women are better moms and wives and ...well...women than I am. they certainly have more fun together. go out more. get invited to more parties. have better behaved children (this may not be that far, have better hineys (*sigh*), make better dinners, ...and the list is neverending...and the list is SO UNTRUE!!! sooooooooo untrue! it's not true--do you hear me, women???!!!! IT'S A LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sorry. sometimes it just needs to be said.

and today, I was blessed by a speaker who made herself so transparent and real to our moms group--that it really jolted me. nothing she said was new. I've heard it before. but then the lies creep back in. and I retreat to my solitude.

now this is not to say that I live a live of loneliness and sadness. I do not. I find joy in many things around me. and I am an introvert, so I need my alone time to rejuvenate and get ready for those 'play times' with others. but too often, I use the excuse of introvert or social anxiety as an excuse to not reach out to a friend...a friend who is most likely experiencing the very same types of lies that go through my own head! ("i'd love to have her over, but i'm sure her children never punch their siblings in the face, or pour the entire gallon of milk into the fruit drawer in the fridge to see if the apples will float, or scream at the top of their lungs when asked to clean up said milk or apologize for said face punch...")

it was so refreshing to hear so many women speak their reality out loud, in a safe environment, in our small group time. we cried. and cried. we are, after all, women :)

and I came home and I called a friend that I had been missing. and it felt so good to talk to her. and we set up a time for her to come over for lunch--and many of you know just HOW HARD that is for me to do!!! I have one friend whose house I regularly go to with my kiddos each week. but aside from that ~ well...let's just say *deep breath* I'm working on it *exhale* :)

I want to be real. it is so much easier for me to follow a script then to engage in an unwritten conversation. but knowing that we are all flawed helps. *sigh* I could ramble on about this all evening. *another happy sigh* but ~ I need to go to bed ...

AND!!!! i need to share some awesome news~~~~ completely changing subjects but in keeping with the GOODNESS of this day:

a HUGE praise for a friend's 4 year-old daughter that is , as of this morning, CANCER FREE!!!!

she was diagnosed with leukemia right before Christmas, and began treatment, but this morning her bone marrow test showed that she is already in remission! she is HEALED! there are, of course, still medications to be completed to make sure it stays gone--but this is the miracle we were all praying for her. --insert more tears of joy here-- it was a day of tears.

thank you, God.

A very good day.


Stephanie said...

I know so much of what you're talking about. I struggled with social anxiety for years, and it's just been this year when I have moved away from nearly all my friends that I determined to do something about it. It's been hard, but so good too.

There is so much joy in reaching out to others, but so much fear too, isn't there?

Wishing you more joy than fear!

PS: I'm here from Tamara's blog. Just randomly clicked over, and glad I did :)

Dana said...

I love you, my friend, and I think you know that I totally know where you're coming from, because I live right next door to you in that spectrum. :)

So glad to hear about your friend's little girl, too! What wonderful news and such a good reminder that God really is all-powerful!

Thanks for sharing all of this. ♥

Tamara said...

I always think it is interesting how over and over God teaches women - Christian, believing, God-loving, sisters-in-Christ women - this lesson - that we don't have to live in the shadow of lies but that we can be real and vulnerable and trusting and caring -- but over and over, we crawl back to our caves of "safety" and retreat from relationships... for many many reasons... and ultimately, we miss out on opportunities and those who might bless us... we just can't see that from where we are sitting... it's the reality of the life on Earth... may our hearts always long for Heaven - amen! Glad you had a good heart-revelation and yes, a good rejoicing and mentally refreshing cry moment yesterday - those are nice... you are a dearheart...

Goofy said...

So THAT'S why... THAT is why I felt like I "clicked" with you. What you just described is so much of what I deal with, too. Outside of 606, I'm shy, introverted and feel so nervous talking to people. I even hate making phone calls!!!

But inside those walls... even when there's strangers milling about pre-show and during intermission, I can easily smile and say hello and have even struck up conversations with perfect strangers! And in the back of my head, I hear a voice saying, "Who the hell are you?!? You're chatting with a complete stranger but just a few hours ago you couldn't speak to that sweet lady in the store!"

(sigh...) What strange creatures we are.

Mer said...

First of all, I love this post. Also, I love you. I think you are wonderful and brave. That being said...

It must just be normal human behavior. Really. I don't think that necessarily you have to even be an "introverted" person to feel and act this way.

Maybe it has something to do with what our pastor was preaching about this morning. (The sermon was on Adam and Eve, and the effects of the fall.) We hide behind our "fig leaves" afraid to open up to others. Afraid to share anything except what we have photo-shopped, spell-checked, and perfected.

I remember a day a few years ago, when I was supposed to be set dressing for a show. I walked in, looked around and panicked. There were a ton of people I didn't know all going around doing things for move in. I told Bryan what I was feeling and he got me out of there, fast. But other times, I will not want to call someone, and he'll hand me the phone already ringing. I think it is important to have someone close that can help us make those connections we want so much to make.

Okay, I've rambled far too long. But I really like what you had to say. :)