Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Shut Down

That's how I tend to think of myself right now.

That's how I usually deal with tough stuff.

I just shut down.

You may not notice. Especially if I only ever see you in a situation where I have a task to do. Those are the easiest situations to deal with right now. Get in, do the task, get out.

It's the alone time... The free time... The down time...that is the hardest to get through right now.

So, what exactly is it that is so hard in my life right now? nothing. not really.

it's just ... *cringe*... change.

i don't know of anyone who absolutely LOVES change. who thrives on not knowing what is around the corner (or at least has a pretense of knowing what is around the corner ~ for, when it comes right down to it, we never know do we?).

and it's not to say that I don't enjoy spontaneity. I do! a spur of the moment trip to the beach, a last minute dash to the super market to grab the makings for a fondue dinner, even a trip to Walt Disney World with less than 3 weeks to plan, prepare and go ;) 

but I definitely do not like this limbo I am in right now.

we are moving. not across town. not even across the state. we are moving back to Southern California.

who? hubby, myself and the three younger kiddos. Shell has decided to stay up here and continue on with community college. She will be moving in with her best friend, Maria and her family in the summer.

when? probably this summer

why? my hubby has been working down there for a couple of months now. he had an amazing job offer come his way, accepted it, and now 'commutes' there during the week ~ flying home to be with us on the weekends.

what's the hold up in the moving? have to sell our current house. big debt (upside down) + bad market = short sale :(  so hopefully it will sell quickly.

where exactly will we be living down there? in laws' garage. LOL! kidding. but truly don't know :)  and, oh my, for a stay-at-home, homeschooling momma, that is a tough thing to not know, you know?!

how are my days going right now? for the most part, fine. most moments are exactly like they have been for the past 10 years we have been living in the Pacific Northwest : get up, get ready, get kiddos ready, clean, eat, clean, play, clean, eat, clean, shop, clean, play, clean, eat, clean, read, clean, watch tv, clean, go to bed. (ok, so I probably clean a bit more right now, since it is on the market and being shown!)

however, there are some days that I just don't want to get out of bed. and every one of those days, much as I try to give up and shut down completely, I am propelled along to the next day.

EXAMPLE: one such day, it was well past 9am and I was still tucked, having directed Gab to assist Ian and Evie with breakfast and turning cartoons on (oh, how I love homeschooling hee hee) ...when the phone rang. noticing it was a 714 (Orange County, CA) area code, I answered it. Sitting up, of course, and clearing my throat right before, so that caller would have NO idea that I was still in bed. Caller was my dear friend, M, who I worked with at Disney over 10 years ago, and who was just checking in on me. God's gift to me that morning.

and that, I suppose, is really the point of this post. to point out just how blessed I am. funny how it takes such a round-a-bout rambling to get back to that, huh? did you see it coming? I sure didn't. much as I may drag my heels and resist, God's Goodness and Blessings are so prevalent around me, I cannot do anything less than press onward. and I cannot help but want to do more. I fall so ridiculously short of what I desire to do for Him each day. and yet, just by giving Him praise in my inadequacies, He is glorified :)

do I want to move? no. but am I excited for what is ahead? always.

please note:  I have read, re-read, done and un-done so much of this post over the past 6 weeks that I am now just posting it. very unlike me. I have MANY posts saved in drafts that will never make the cut. but I feel it is important to get this out there and at least give you all a glimpse at what is happening here. sorry to have been so silent so long!


Tamara said...

Glad you finally "just posted" - sometimes it just lifts weight you didn't know you were packin' around when you "spill the beans" and share the heartaches and "what ifs" and all those moments in life where we feel isolation is easier then reaching out. Southern CA should be a fun adventure for your family - at least the weather will be nice and you will be near family. You will recreate "home" and things will all work together for good. I will miss your smiling face and your beautiful family - how great that Shell has such a good friend to move in with and she can keep growing up independently. I love that through blogging I will get to be part of your life as you make these changes. Hugs and prayers for a quick sale on your home!

StefRobrts said...

Hang in there! We'll sure miss you, but I'm kind of jealous that circumstances have forced you to undertake this new adventure. Some days I could use a little 'change' myself!

Shannon said...

Been thinking of you and wondering how you were. When you gave your hint I was sure hoping maybe you were coming this way!! ;-) We are praying for you and all these changes! Will have to fill you in soon on some changes we are going through around here. We just never know where life will lead us do we?

Goofy said...

I love you!! I will so miss you, Little Sis. Thank God for the internet so we can keep in touch.

Mara said...

thanks for your honesty...I'm in a limbo too with just officially finding out Damon will be working in southern OR for at least 4 months. You seem to be surviving just fine with a similar scenario, so Im sure I will too!! I'm not a fan of change either, esp when it means you are moving far away :(

karin said...

Well that is a lot for you guys to be going through. It must be tough being a single mom, homeschool mom, etc. Take it one moment at a time and trust you great poppa to know what he is doing.

Lisa P said...

Let me add my voice to those giving support and encouragement! You will make it through limbo, and take the time to see God's hand in your daily life. It helps--just like your friend calling you.