being transparent has never been a strength of mine. oh, don't get me wrong ~ I do not have a poker face
AT ALL. if something is bothering me, you'll know.
you just may not know what it is. not really.I've never made friends very easily. i wrote once about my
social anxiety. i know that is a big part of it. but WHY i have the social anxiety is more the issue at hand. it's not
one thing, and I'm not going to go into all of it here (not that I even could--I certainly don't have me figured out!) I just wanted to comment on the fact that
many of the reasons I get anxious are completely
unfounded thoughts that other people have things more 'together' than I do.
that other moms, wives, women are better moms and wives and ...well...women than I am. they certainly have more fun together. go out more. get invited to more parties. have better behaved children (this may not be that far off...lol), have better hineys (*sigh*), make better dinners, ...and the list is neverending...and the list is
SO UNTRUE!!! sooooooooo untrue! it's not true--do you hear me, women???!!!! IT'S A LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sorry. sometimes it just needs to be said.
and today, I was blessed by a speaker who made herself so
transparent and
real to our moms group--that it really jolted me. nothing she said was new. I've heard it before. but then the lies creep back in. and I retreat to my solitude.
now this is not to say that I live a live of loneliness and sadness. I do not. I find joy in many things around me. and
I am an introvert, so I need my alone time to rejuvenate and get ready for those 'play times' with others. but too often, I use the excuse of introvert or social anxiety as an excuse to not reach out to a friend...a friend who is most likely experiencing the very same types of lies that go through my own head! (
"i'd love to have her over, but i'm sure her children never punch their siblings in the face, or pour the entire gallon of milk into the fruit drawer in the fridge to see if the apples will float, or scream at the top of their lungs when asked to clean up said milk or apologize for said face punch...")
it was so refreshing to hear so many women
speak their reality out loud, in a safe environment, in our small group time. we cried. and cried. we are, after all, women :)
and I came home and I called a friend that I had been missing. and it felt so good to talk to her. and we set up a time for her to come over for lunch--and many of you know just
HOW HARD that is for me to do!!! I have one friend whose house I regularly go to with my kiddos each week. but aside from that ~ well...let's just say
*deep breath* I'm working on it *exhale* :)
I want to be real. it is so much easier for me to follow a script then to engage in an unwritten conversation. but knowing that we are all flawed helps. *sigh* I could ramble on about this all evening. *another happy sigh* but ~ I need to go to bed ...
AND!!!! i need to share some awesome news~~~~ completely changing subjects but in keeping with the
GOODNESS of this day:
a HUGE praise for a friend's 4 year-old daughter that is , as of this morning, CANCER FREE!!!!
she was diagnosed with leukemia right before Christmas, and began treatment, but this morning her bone marrow test showed that she is already in remission! she is
HEALED! there are, of course, still medications to be completed to make sure it stays gone--but this is the miracle we were all praying for her. --
insert more tears of joy here--
it was a day of tears.thank you, God.A very good day.